3.14159265359: Where I Make Some Horrible Math Jokes and Then a Pie and Then Some Horrible LOTR Jokes

Today we will calculate the circumference and volume of this can.

Time for one of my favorite things to bake!

Today we're gonna multiply your happiness by adding a delicious treat to the equation

Oh goodness I can't do this

Okay today we are going to make a pie and it's going to be awesome.

Sometimes people say "It's easy as pie!"
Those people are unoriginal and should not be making pie, no matter how easy it is. I'm going to assume you aren't one of those people that joke about pie, but I guess even if you are, I'll teach you how to make one anyway.

First, pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees. You will need:

• 2 cups of flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2/3 cup vegetable shortening
• Roughly 1 cup of ice water
• pie filling of your choice
• 1 egg white
• 3 Tablespoons milk

You'll also need wax paper, a pie pan, and my favorite baking utensil ever - the rolling pin.

Measure out the vegetable shortening and stick it in the freezer. While it's cooling, get out a big glass bowl, then measure out the flour and salt. Whisk them together with a fork. Once you've done this, get the vegetable shortening from the freezer. It should feel nice and cool, about like the other side of the pillow when you flip it over at night. Except I wouldn't want a pillow made of vegetable shortening. Ew.

Using your fork, scoop out the vegetable shortening and mix it in with the flour/salt mixture until it breaks up into smaller pieces.

 Yeah, you could probably stick this in a pillow. Maybe.

I don't know.

Get the ice water and slowly pour in a bit at a time until the mixture starts coming together. You don't HAAAAVE to, but my favorite part about pie baking is using my hands to mix the dough in with the water, and I also think it is the most effective method for good pie crust. But you better wash your hands first because you weren't raised in a barn, ya filthy animal. (If you were actually raised in a barn, I am incredibly sorry and meant no offense, however you should still wash your hands).

Coming Soon to a theater near you:

Attack of the Killer Pie Hand

Once you have a nice, soft ball formed in your bowl, clean your hands off and quit making shadow puppets in the middle of the day that doesn't even make any sense.

You're going to now find some clear counter space. Spread out a layer of wax paper and sprinkle a bit of flour over it. Place half of your dough on this and then cover it with another sheet of wax paper.

r/battlestations

And now....... WE GET TO USE A ROLLING PIN!!

Rolling pins are super fun and cool and awesome because not only can you use them as a baking utensil, you could probably use it as a weapon if you ever got robbed while trying to cook. So it has like twice the opportunities.

Also coming soon to a theater near you:

The Lord of the Blogs: Return of the Rolling Pin

A day may come, when the strength of ovens fail, when we forsake our cookies and break all bonds of fellowship, but today is not that..

Sorry. I got sidetracked. 

What're we doing again?

Oh yeah, pie. Okay, so once you've set up your area, use the rolling pin to flatten Sauron's hordes of orcs until...okay seriously I'm sorry I'm focused now, you're going to use the rolling pin to flatten the pie dough until it is about half an inch thick, then make your way through the Black Gate to continue battling.

If I knew how to embed the instrumental track set to Aragorn's speech

at the Black Gate, I would do so here.

Once you've done so, place your pie pan upside down on the pie dough, flip the pie dough/wax paper/pan over, then peel off the wax paper. Press the dough in evenly around the edges, and make sure to let out any air pockets or halflings that may have gotten stuck. 

Filling time! For this pie, I am just using a store bought filling, but homemade filling is delicious as well and I guarantee I will be making posts about different homemade fillings in the future. I'm using cherries today but you can use whatever your heart desires. As long as it's not the One Ring. 

I bet Rosie Cotton of Hobbiton makes delicious pies.

Now, at this point you have two options. You can either flatten out the second half of the pie crust like you did before, seal it on top, and stick the pie in the oven. But I think it looks way cooler if you make a lattice crust, and I'm going to teach you how! With pictures! For Frodo!

Start by flattening the pie dough as before, and then cutting it into thin, vertical strips.

 Try to make them the same width cause otherwise your pie

looks dumb. Not that I'd know.

Evenly space a few of the strips going one direction. I placed mine vertically, so I will teach you how to make lattice crust vertically, but obviously for horizontal you just rotate everything 90 degrees. This is going to be a little difficult to explain through text, but I also have pictures which should help. I'm doing my best. In my picture I already have one strip laid down, but just pretend I don't, it works the same. 

For the first horizontal strip you lay down, leave pieces A and B down but lift C and D.

Place the horizontal strip horizontally (imagine that), and then pull pieces C and D down over it.

Next, pull up A and B while leaving C and D down. Place a strip so it lays over C and D.

Repeat these steps until your pie is fully covered in beautifully woven strips.

Next, you're going to give your pie a bath. In eggs. Mmmm.

In a small bowl, mix together 3 Tablespoons milk with the egg white of an egg. If you don't know how to separate an egg, it's a little messy, but basically just crack it and let the white part run into the bowl while keeping the yellow yolk in the shell/your hand. Also, always be sure to wash your hands after touching raw eggs. I wouldn't want you getting salmonella because of this pie.

Whisk the egg white and milk together just a bit, and then use a cooking brush or a spoon to lightly cover your pie in the gooeyness.

It looks like the scissors are hiding behind the pie, getting

ready to attack me.

The egg wash gives the pie a nice golden brown, crispy tint that makes it look oh so delicious. Place the pie in the oven at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

 Don't let it cool on the windowsill or the neighbor

boy may try to steal it.

You did it! You made a pie. Now go give it to your math teacher, a group of hungry hobbits, or my brother.

Thank you for reading!